iEverything: a satire

Thank you! Thank you all for coming! It is I, Steve Jobs, the Chief Imagination Officer of Apple, also known to many as Your Leader and Overlord of All Things Shiny, Desirable, and Expensive.

Today we’re going to make some history together! So…welcome to Macworld. It was just a decade ago that I was up here, announcing that we were going to revolutionize the world–a huge endeavor, I admit. I said we were going to do it over the coming twelve years–we did it in seven years. We couldn’t have done this alone; we did it with the help of a lot of folks: Our new colleagues in scientific agencies around the world, our devoted imagineers of more than just hardware and software, but of minds and vision. Thank you very much. Now as you know, our retail stores have for a while been selling half of our Apple iProducts to people who have never owned an Apple iProduct before. For this, I would like to thank our custom–err–loyal members of the Apple Family for spreading the gospel. Without you, we would still be just another average tech company based out of California. Instead, we are now one step closer to world domination through over-priced, beautifully designed, consumer electronics. Now everyone, please gaze upon me and yearn, yearn for the secrets that only I know! The rumor channels are full of speculation and I–your balding, black-turtleneck-endowed Leader–know the iTruth. Bow before me and grovel at my iFeet! (Mwahaha!)

Now please, before I continue, I would like to make sure that everyone present at this glorious ceremony is a true iBeliever. As a reminder, if you are not a true iBeliever you are not a member of our Apple Family, and as a result you will be cast out and sent into the Reality Distortion Field for re-education regarding our iProducts…
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